Queen`s speech – second draft

Via elleuk.com

From: Cabinet Office and Prime Minister`s Office, 10 Downing Street
Part of: Government transparency and accountability
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 first draft for Her Majesty`s input
From: Buckingham Palace
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 second draft including Her Majesty`s input
Her Majesty`s most gracious speech to both Houses of Parliament.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,”
If you think for a moment that I intent to drag out all of the horses and all of the men down to your tawdry waste of time you are mistaken. Philip has made it perfectly clear that he will not be attending and I will probably drive myself over in one of the Land Rovers on my way to Ascot. I give you fair warning that if that appalling little man Dennis Skinner makes any sarcastic comment then he will find himself mucking out at Sandringham for the rest of the summer.

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Rubbish

Sally Cogley image via Sally Cogley

As the BBC announces details of its proposed election coverage, critics of the corporation are again accusing the state broadcaster of political bias due to its refusal to acknowledge Ms Sally Cogley of Galston, East Ayrshire as the only credible and legitimate loyal opposition. Having already decided the outcome of the general election taking place on June 8th, senior editors and correspondents at BBC News and Current Affairs are being criticised for ignoring a new mould-breaking force in UK politics and not allowing a platform for the voice of the people, Ms Sally Cogley of Galston, East Ayrshire.

Rock on

Barbarity

Not since David Cameron infamously misplaced his child following an embarrassing photo opportunity in a pub has a British Prime Minister so spectacularly lost sight of a vulnerable dependent. By forgetting to mention the fate of poor little Gibraltar in her infamous letter-signing photo opportunity and according to some of the more excitable Tories still allowed out in public, Theresa May is prepared to wage war against Spain in order to defend the British Overseas Territory famous for its verminous Barbary macaques, crooked shell companies, tax avoidance and on-line gambling rackets.

This latest nonsense comes from Michael now Lord Howard who is only memorable as a former Leader of the Conservative Party because the rather odd Ann Widdecombe thought there was “something of the night” about this Welsh son of a Romanian migrant. It only took four days of swinging on the curtains, scratching table legs and eating the corner of the carpet in sheer joy before some Tories mistakenly thought the phrase “triggering Article 50” means starting a European war.

April fool

Cottingley Fairies

The art and elegance of successful prank should involve at least a little skill and any triumphant hoax, however improbable, should be able fool basic human life forms that have managed to evolve into something that is not quite a complete moron. Idiots will believe anything if it is presented with gravitas and a straight face but those with even the dimmest spark of rationality are more difficult to win over without the thought that however ridiculous the hokum might be, there is still a remote possibility that the ruse might actually be true.

Thus we have Sir Arthur Conan Doyle believing that cardboard fairies in Yorkshire were real and sections of the BBC audience believed that spaghetti grows on trees. It seems that Paul McCartney died at the height of Beatle mania, an alien autopsy took place at Roswell and corn circles were not extraterrestrial landing sites but the product of two bored blokes, four planks of wood and a few lengths of rope. Orson Wells was only fooling when he frightened the life out of radio listeners with his adaptation of The War of the Worlds, Piltdown Man once walked in Sussex and the Daily Mail proved once and for all the existence of the Loch Ness Monster in a famous but faked photograph.

Get in the sea

It has only been three of four days but it seems that the sea swimmers of Clevedon featured on the BBC News ident have finally taken off their bathing caps and thrown in the proverbial beach towel. It would appear that, according to the BBC, these hardy souls who brave English coastal waters in the depth of winter represent both the “diversity” and the “oneness” of the Great British public and are ideal harbingers of our daily news.