The Plastic Hippo

March 30, 2013

Easter rising 2014

Filed under: Birmingham,Fiction,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tank image via

Tank image via

In an unprecedented development intended to break the stalemate in the ongoing civil unrest in the United Kingdom, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has said his government will arm rebel groups determined to remove King David Kham O`ron from power.

Dateline: Damascus. Saturday 19 April 2014.

Former ophthalmologist at the Western Eye Hospital on the Marylebone Road, President al-Assad has stated that the free world cannot continue to stand by and watch as the British people are brutally oppressed by an unelected regime made up of a wealthy, powerful and minority ruling elite. At an emergency summit in Damascus, world leaders passed a unanimous resolution in favour of supplying non-lethal equipment such as body armour, rocket propelled grenades and battle tanks to the beleaguered rebel insurgents. The joint communiqué, signed by the leaders of Syria, North Korea, Somalia, Bahrain, Myanmar and Saudi Arabia, issued a stern warning to the UK junta and a demand that King David O`ron of the Bhullin Don Tribe should stand down with immediate effect. A spokesman for the new coalition against terror said:

“It is unacceptable that in the year 2014 we are witnessing unspeakable horror being inflicted on civilians by rich tyrants. Kham O`ron must stand aside or be deposed. We have given him our warning. We will supply the brave freedom fighters and support them in their struggle. There must be an end to forced evictions and so-called social cleansing. He must stop attacking the poor, the young, the old, the sick and the needy. This barbarous regime has been given its last chance to leave. If not, we are ready to send our armed forced to rescue the people of the UK. We know we will be victorious because of our superior armaments and munitions that Kham O`ron sold to us. The days of this tyrant are numbered.”

Sources close to the rebel insurgents suggest that the intervention of heavily armed foreign nations might be counterproductive and act as a distraction to the key strategy of organising and signing a huge variety of petitions and standing in the cold waving placards outside government buildings. One rebel, who did not wish to be named for fear of reprisal, said that a task force of strike aircraft armed with napalm might come in useful but the important thing was to avoid any unpleasantness. The rebel forces continue to be disorganised and are plagued by infighting within rival groups, especially regarding which of their individual petitions is of more importance and which petition will be ignored first. The ruling Bhullin Don Tribe have no difficultly in containing the disparate majority tribes because the King can simply issue a new decree, or “law” as it is known in the UK, to make any anti-government opposition illegal, retrospectively if necessary.

Some rebels, however, are determined to challenge the regime in the courts. Sadly, unpaid labour for Bhullin Don slave-masters remains legal and heart operations for poor children have been decreed as illegal. One militant extremist group attempted to occupy a variety of buildings and now languish in prison cells. There are fears that the insurgents are planning a raid on the strategically important Ain Zlee Harriot couscous processing plant in a remote and barren area of desert known locally as West Yorkshire and in an insignificant former industrial town in the middle wastes known as Walsall, lower caste warlords continue to pay tribute to the Bhullin Don Tribe. Condemned to a life of serfdom under their royal masters, the Walsall chieftains continue to inflict misery upon their clansmen in the hope of favour from King David Kham O`ron. In the outlying village of Birmingham, poor people will only be allowed to buy food from the Ah Ahs Dah government Kasbah and in the camel markets of Wolverhampton and Coventry; spare ships of the desert will be taxed to pay for bonuses for wealthy merchants.

In a divided nation locked in deadly struggle, one particular extremist grouping has emerged to fill the power vacuum. The Uh Kiff movement seems to be gathering support in spite of its lack of policy on anything other than infidels ruining the nation. Their leader, N`gel Fatah-Hamas, blames foreigners for simultaneously taking UK jobs and claiming UK benefits and for looking a bit like foreigners. The firebrand preacher, after having a hand deliberately amputated to ensure that more airtime on state television was devoted to his new hook, has positioned himself as head of the rebel alliance to fight off 29 million Bulgarians and Romanians determined to eat our children.

Assuming leadership of the insurgency, Mr N`gel Fatah-Hamas has moved his headquarters to the Eurostar terminal in Kent where he vows to wave his hook at incoming immigrants. However, opponents within the rebellion are suggesting that the Uh Kiff leader will sling his hook once he realises that the English Spring has attracted immigrants from Syria arriving in battle tanks and attack helicopters. President Bashar al-Assad has expressed a desire to return to the Starbucks at Marylebone Station. Further concern has been raised when it was announced that another Miliband has fled the country and that the Head of State now has had her Bedroom Tax reduced to zero after Sandringham and Balmoral were exempted from spare room subsidy duty.

Warning: any further news reports may contain flash photography.

1 Comment »

  1. Breathtakingly clever, accurate and funny.

    Comment by The Realist — April 2, 2013 @ 12:05 pm | Reply

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