Where did it hit you?

Mike Gatting image via cricketweb.net

Cricket aficionados might remember the day back in 1986 when Mike Gatting left bits of his skull on the crease at Sabina Park, Kingston Jamaica. Taking the full force of a ferocious Malcolm Marshall bouncer right between the eyes, insult was added to injury as the ball dropped gently onto the wicket and Gatting was out if not quite down. As the batsman was led away for urgent medical attention, the ball was tossed back to the bowler to continue the onslaught. In abject horror, Marshall dropped the ball as he discovered a piece of bone had embedded itself into the leather. At the time, those with more than a passing knowledge of cricket and neurological surgery suggested that Gatting was lucky not to have died.

He was flown back to the UK for treatment and after just three weeks was astonishingly back at the crease facing the ferocious West Indies pace attack in the third test. He was luckier in that innings; only a quick delivery hitting the handle resulted in a broken thumb and it is difficult to shift from the mind the image of Monty Python`s Black Knight shouting; “come back here and I`ll bite your legs off” . Even given his considerable ability with a bat, this derring-do confirmed Gatting as a national hero. Consider then, the return of Jonathan Trott from Australia.

Mind altering substance abuse

Image via News of the World (So sue me)

When rummaging in the dustbins of hypocrisy, it is always worth remembering that there is a sliding scale of double-standards, double-talk, double-crossing, double-speak and double-trouble.

We should first discard criminal hypocrisy as that is a matter for the justice system and Her Majesties Prison Service. As every responsible blogger knows, any comment regarding current legal proceedings that could be prejudicial to a safe conviction or acquittal can attract a charge of contempt of court and is best left well alone. Easier pickings can be had by ridiculing ignorant hypocrisy; undoubtedly brought about by selective memory loss, an astonishing lack of self-awareness or, more usually, crass stupidity. There is no finer example of an abject lack of irony than

Feel the Noize

Screen grab via YouTube

Parody can all too often be a blunt instrument when attempting to employ what passes for a sense of humour in a world ruled by an elite required to undergo a sense of humour by-pass.

The original premise of the Downfall Parody clips posted to YouTube was very clever, nicely crafted and rather funny. However, the endless repetition of the same joke adapted for football clubs, pop songs and the internet itself resulted in the genre eating itself with a Downfall Parody rant ranting about Downfall Parody rants. It stopped being funny but still has some millage. The actor selected to portray Joseph Goebbels, who stands in sinister silence behind Hitler, bears a striking resemblance to the Heath Secretary, a certain Jeremy Hunt.

There is not enough parody left in the world to direct at Jeremy Hunt. Hyperbole, sarcasm, analogy, ironic juxtaposition, metaphor, derision and cynical mockery will fly way above the head of this freeloading shyster.

Open goal

Screen grab via BBC parliament

Imagine the managers of Manchester United and Chelsea deciding before a vital cup tie to play ten against ten and not field any goalkeepers. The resulting goal fest might delight match sponsors and broadcast sports media but the fixture could not under the current FA rules, be described as a game of football. As ridiculous as this appears, it is a common procedure in what is laughingly known as parliamentary democracy.

On Tuesday, the parliamentary Labour Party called an Opposition Day debate on Housing Benefit in an attempt to kick into touch the utterly vile and pernicious Bedroom Tax; a sanction designed specifically to punish people for being poor, vulnerable and disabled. As commendable and well-intentioned this enterprise by Labour might be, it was not considered an important enough issue to impose a three line whip and so the pairing system of House of Commons voting allowed MPs to be absent as long as an opposing MP wanted a day off as well. Out of a total of 650 elected representatives, 478 turned up to vote leaving 172 otherwise engaged and able to claim that the “pairing system” ensured that their potential vote was meaningless.

Human error

Image via walsall-people.co.uk

It has been brought to my attention that an article recently published on this blog contains an inaccuracy that requires some sort of apology, apparently.

Due to an unfortunate oversight, a trivial snippet of information was allowed to be included in the piece which, on reflection, might suggest in some way given a certain interpretation taken completely out of context and manipulated beyond recognition viz-a-viz evidential credence and factual credibility by certain dark forces wishing to discredit me, might or might not without prejudice, actually be true or not as the case may be.

The minor discrepancy is so insignificant that it hardly warrants a second thought but my experienced and very expensive legal advisors inform me that under new legislation designed to curb free speech and silence the inalienable right to make stuff up about people, some form of correction is expected. Let me state categorically that I am not responsible for this minor lapse in the usually impeccable and irreproachable ethical standards of this publication. In fact, after learning of this inconsequential distraction upon my return from a holiday in Dubai, I replaced my entire team of researchers and reported my correspondents, political editors, sub-editors, editors and managing editors to the local constabulary.