Now come on – be honest. Which of us has not been tempted to land a forceful right hook into the face of some annoying idiot that has to be endured in a common workplace? For all our professionalism and adherence to non-violence, an occasional punch-up is inevitable especially when co-workers behave in a way that is not the way we expect. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I once lamped at bloke at work so I can fully empathise with the anguish and trauma that national treasure Jeremy Clarkson must be feeling.
If we are being honest, which of us after a few drinks with some mates has been tempted to pull on the gloves and have a boxing match in the kitchen. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I have never done that even after the disgraceful episode when “someone” opened the oven door causing the Yorkshire puddings to collapse before they were ready. On that basis, I have great sympathy for national treasure Wayne Rooney who suffers from mates prepared to film the rumble in the kitchen and then flog the footage to the tabloids for money. (more…)
Innocently confusing United with Wednesday might spoil a day out in Sheffield but confusing committing an offence and causing offence might just ruin lives. For the sake of clarity and for those unaware of football or Nick Clegg`s steel city constituency, Wednesday are known as the Owls and play in blue shirts and United are known as the Blades and play in red shirts. For the sake of further clarity, rape is a criminal offence punishable by law and wearing a shirt of questionable taste might, in certain circumstances, cause offence. It must be made clear that these two deliberate, premeditated actions are very, very different. (more…)
Great fun can be had by hurling deeply offensive insults and aiming blood curdling threats of physical violence at real and imagined opponents in the strange reality television world of politics and football.
Sadly, the instant gratification of describing David Cameron as a duplicitous, venal, dishonest weasel is ultimately futile because David Cameron knows he is a duplicitous, venal, dishonest weasel and basically doesn`t care what people think of him. Similarly, howling that Grant Shapps is a lying crook or that Iain Duncan Smith is a psychopath or that George Osborne is a bit simple is as pointless as describing Eric Pickles as fat or Michael Gove as being incredibly ugly. The fact is that they are just being themselves, it`s what they do and no amount of bile and invective will suddenly make them discover a heart or a soul or, indeed, any sense of shame. (more…)
After a six nil drubbing at the expensive heads, hands and feet of rivals Chelsea, Arsenal boss Theresa May might wish to forget her 1,000th game as the Gunners gaffer. March 22nd, however, did allow her the opportunity to wish Abu Qatada a happy St Patrick`s Day. She may feel that North London`s finest were robbed in the 16th minute when only two goals down, a clear cut penalty awarded to Chelsea and the wrong bloke sent off. It could be that the referee thinks that all those Arsenal players look the same or it was possibly easier to fit the name Gibbs into his little book rather than Oxlade-Chamberlain. She may be disappointed but she will surely agree that Chelsea`s second goal scored by Hugh Dennis off the Now Show was a cracker. (more…)
Image via Laurel Brown
After all the hype and all the manufactured enthusiasm, there will be some people who will look back at the XXII Olympic Winter Games with a slight sense of disappointment.
The British media, particularly the BBC, will remain in deep depression following the “failure” of the Men`s Curling Team to win gold and in so doing let the nation down by “only” collecting a silver in a rather obscure, minority sport. Only last week we were all expert hydrologists with an encyclopaedic knowledge of floodplain management and coastal defence. This week we are all allowed an opinion on the intricacies of Slope style and Skeleton and the massively popular brushing of the Curl. Next week the BBC`s expert commentary team will enjoy a well earned rest following the gushing and shouting “Oh” fest. It might be best not to dwell on the disappointment being felt by speed skater Elise Christie.
Vladimir Putin has probably got the hump as well. Having had his showcase roundly upstaged by events in Kiev and casting a nervous glance as the Ukrainian people get rid of a corrupt, authoritarian oligarch even in the face of rattling Russian sabres, the Putin games will be remembered for the footage of brave Russian Cossack security men attacking feminist protestors with whips. The “band” Pussy Riot could stage a spectacular PR and marketing coup by inviting Yulia Tymoshenko to join them on stage for a squawk during any forthcoming tour of Russian Orthodox cathedrals. Although not as comprehensive as the complete dismantling of Hitler`s warped bigotry by Jessie Owens in 1936, Putin`s faith in the manly Russian Ice Hockey team took a knock when they didn`t win a medal or even beat USA, a nation where states like Alabama, Utah and Texas have homophobic legislation even more draconian than the Russian Federation. If Vlad is disappointed, consider the hapless opening ceremony technician tasked with pressing the button to make the rings get bigger. I imagine that a gulag in northern Siberia is considerably colder that a Black Sea holiday resort at this time of year. (more…)