Cor blimey, strike a light, lawks a mercy you could knock me down with a feather Mary Poppins and no mistake. As we bask in the consolidation of traditional British values of not liking foreigners and poor people very much, imagine the horror and incredulity at discovering that the banks have been acting illegally again…and again…and again. I didn`t see that one coming and I am shocked – shocked I tell you – that one or maybe two bad apples have yet again besmirched the impeccable reputation of our entrepreneurial financial wealth creators. Never mind, no harm done, lessons have been learned and it`s time to draw a line and move on. No arrests have been made. (more…)
May 26, 2015
May 2, 2015
There comes a moment in a test match, usually just before lunch on the fourth day, when cricket fans realise that both sides have settled for a draw. With rain on the way, the art of spin replaces the raw aggression of pace and a lofted drive through extra cover or the dispatch of a bouncer with a hook over the head of deep fine leg gives way to studious back foot defence. As an American friend once observed; “What…five days and nobody won..?”
British politics was once as different to American politics as cricket is to baseball. Both certainly involve a bat, a ball and people running about but with fireworks and dancing girls at test matches and a UK election to decide between two individual human beings, the boundaries have become indistinct. The presidential candidates ambitious for number 10 are playing out for a draw by doing a lot of shouting and basically keeping their powder dry until the next test match takes place in October. (more…)
March 17, 2015
Now come on – be honest. Which of us has not been tempted to land a forceful right hook into the face of some annoying idiot that has to be endured in a common workplace? For all our professionalism and adherence to non-violence, an occasional punch-up is inevitable especially when co-workers behave in a way that is not the way we expect. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I once lamped at bloke at work so I can fully empathise with the anguish and trauma that national treasure Jeremy Clarkson must be feeling.
If we are being honest, which of us after a few drinks with some mates has been tempted to pull on the gloves and have a boxing match in the kitchen. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I have never done that even after the disgraceful episode when “someone” opened the oven door causing the Yorkshire puddings to collapse before they were ready. On that basis, I have great sympathy for national treasure Wayne Rooney who suffers from mates prepared to film the rumble in the kitchen and then flog the footage to the tabloids for money. (more…)
November 17, 2014
Innocently confusing United with Wednesday might spoil a day out in Sheffield but confusing committing an offence and causing offence might just ruin lives. For the sake of clarity and for those unaware of football or Nick Clegg`s steel city constituency, Wednesday are known as the Owls and play in blue shirts and United are known as the Blades and play in red shirts. For the sake of further clarity, rape is a criminal offence punishable by law and wearing a shirt of questionable taste might, in certain circumstances, cause offence. It must be made clear that these two deliberate, premeditated actions are very, very different. (more…)
April 27, 2014
Great fun can be had by hurling deeply offensive insults and aiming blood curdling threats of physical violence at real and imagined opponents in the strange reality television world of politics and football.
Sadly, the instant gratification of describing David Cameron as a duplicitous, venal, dishonest weasel is ultimately futile because David Cameron knows he is a duplicitous, venal, dishonest weasel and basically doesn`t care what people think of him. Similarly, howling that Grant Shapps is a lying crook or that Iain Duncan Smith is a psychopath or that George Osborne is a bit simple is as pointless as describing Eric Pickles as fat or Michael Gove as being incredibly ugly. The fact is that they are just being themselves, it`s what they do and no amount of bile and invective will suddenly make them discover a heart or a soul or, indeed, any sense of shame. (more…)