Enough is enough

Tory front bench

There are some days that are worth celebrating and some days that need to be remembered as being very, very dark; July 30th is just such a day.

We should rejoice at the anniversary of the first publication of the Beano 75 years ago which continues to this day to offer a “child focussed” critique of education through the “learning platform” provided by the Bash Street Kids. In 1818 Emily Bronte was born and with delicious coincidence the author of Wuthering Heights shares a birthday with national treasure Kate Bush who was born exactly 140 years later. They both share a notable day with Harriet Harman.

The dark side of July 30th 2013 marks a far more sinister watershed. The High Court has ruled that although blatant discrimination against people with disabilities is not very nice, it is perfectly legal and so can continue. Any sensible observer might conclude that the coalition government might be operating under an agenda that is not what it seems. When a spineless weasel like Nick Clegg crawls out from under a Cameron turd to claim that the waiting list for affordable social housing is growing because disabled people are hoarding spare bedrooms, it is obvious that history is about to repeat itself. Clegg is in charge because Cameron is away on holiday in some rented foreign mansion that has lots of bedrooms. We must forgive Cameron because his disabled son died and he will continue to remind of this even as he punishes other children with disabilities. Godwin`s Law is now obsolete, who did the National Socialists go for first?

The same day saw uniformed officers of the United Kingdom Border Agency stopping anyone who wasn`t white at Kensal Green station to check if they were “legal”. The Met were once again stopping early morning buses to check the “papers” of non-white people going to work and even if the Oyster card of ethnic profiled citizens was valid, they were removed from the bus and placed in a police van. Who did the National Socialist go for next?

What? You`re joking

Keep calm and vote Conservative

It might be best to sit down, take a deep breath and have strong drink nearby because, steady yourselves, some official government statistics might not actually be 100 per cent accurate. This news will, of course, come as a terrible shock to those of a sensitive disposition who might become stressed at the thought of our enlightened and munificent government not actually being infallible. But worry not; everything is fine, keep calm; your government is looking after you.

Obviously any tiny discrepancies in official government statistics are due external factors beyond the control of an out of control coalition. Bank holidays, non-bank holidays, rain, snow, sunshine, royal weddings, royal babies and solar flares have conspired to hinder the massive fiscal recovery expertly brought about by wise cabinet ministers. Economic growth, kick-started by the hugely successful Olympics has not been as rapid as expected due to the staging of the Olympic Games. This, along with the mess left by the previous government, negative growth variables such as people and wilful scrounging from the terminally ill shirking in wheelchairs has resulted in merely massive economic growth rather than so-incredibly-huge-you-cannot-imagine-it economic growth.

Walsall luxury hotel in alien rampage horror

Image via kadampalife.org

In another exclusive brought to you by your soar away Express and Swastika, we can reveal the full horror of an alien attack which all but destroyed Walsall`s most prestigious hotel. A similar palatial establishment near to the award winning cultural attraction and leisure facility has suffered a series of unfortunate controversies but management at the elegant hotel are confident that its impeccable reputation will remain intact.

Staff and guests at the plush Budget Express (No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs) Resort Spa close to the picturesque M6 road works, looked on in terror as a tea cup was wantonly destroyed. Alert staff quickly realised that the vandals were in fact aliens who were falsely staying at the hotel following a wedding. One hotel worker, who did not wish to be named due to fears of alien abduction, said:
“It was utter carnage. A group of aliens came down to breakfast and in the following fracas; a tea cup was knocked off the table and smashed on the floor. We were terrified and so we called the police. I`ve never seen anything like it.”

Cost effective

bbc.co.uk

Even given the levels of coalition government cruelty, any suggestion that the millionaires in cabinet are actively pursuing a policy of infanticide is as ridiculous as the notion of selling human plasma stocks to venture capitalists or the Church of England competing with Wonga loan sharks.

Tory ministers might be greedy, bigoted, heartless bastards and their Libdem fetish slaves will never grow another pair or, indeed, a spine but it would be madness to risk the lives of babies for the sake of bogus deficit reduction. That idea is so preposterous that you might as well invent anti-coalition propaganda stories suggesting that the government will charge £25 for a routine check-up by your GP or that the Home Office intend to drive vans around multicultural communities emblazoned with the words “Go home or face arrest”. This nonsense is completely laughable; the British public simply would not stand for anything so totalitarian. Oh, hang on a minute. No, surely not.

Vivat! Vivat Regina!

Image by Cecil Beaton via Victoria and Albert Museum

Only the most miserable, mean spirited and morally bankrupt curmudgeon would not celebrate the safe delivery of a new life into our world and only the most nihilistic would deny that it takes a village to raise a child. Unfortunately, the latest product of royal procreation will not be raised by a village but will instead be nurtured, moulded and engineered by lurid sensationalism and the perverse principle of the divine right of kings.

Every parent fully understands the fear, trepidation and pain of pregnancy and child birth. To counter any accusations of hypocritical patriarchy due to not being in procession of a womb, I should point out that I still bear the scars from nails dug deep into my forearm in the minutes immediately prior to our first born drawing her first breath. A strange foible of the human condition is that fear and pain is immediately replaced by relief and the sheer, unmitigated and absolute joy at holding your baby for the first time. On that occasion, our birth plan requested a discharge from the maternity unit at the earliest opportunity. Six hours later, with mother and baby both safe and well, the three of us were sitting on our sofa at home with the summer sun streaming through the window and bird song being the only sound. Everything had changed. Instead of me being at the centre of the universe with everything revolving around me, I was now captured in an orbit around a beautiful new star.