The Plastic Hippo

April 25, 2015

Thirteen days


Chaos – mayhem – blackmail – a marriage made in merry Hell – the full extent of an electorate recklessly abusing democracy by rejecting a failed and corrupt government will become clear in about thirteen days. The Conservative party have not only lost the plot but have probably lost the May 2015 General Election.

After a long campaign of smears, personal attacks, untruths, preposterous spin and avoidance of answering straight questions, even the thickest of Tories realised that attacking the Miliband brand was making him more popular. They had a go at his dead dad which made even white van Essex man say “hang on a minute”. Constantly pushing a photograph of the unfortunate consumption of a bacon sandwich resulted in Cameron eating a hot dog at a picnic with a knife and fork. Think about that for moment and then reach for the mind bleach before asking if we deserve a Prime Minister that needs spin doctors to tell him how to eat.

The very fabric of political discourse, economic prudence, social responsibility and ethical probity was rent asunder at the earth shattering news that Miliband has two kitchens. Much worse is the revelation that common decency, morality and the sanctity of marriage is threatened by the fact that Miliband has had at least four girlfriends which is four more than George Osborne if you ignore the hooker with those strange lines of white powder and a whip. Which, in that particular case; is not Michael Gove. All this nonsense turned the Leader of the Opposition into an unlikely hunk and resulted in him being mobbed by a hen party. Cameron, on the other hand, has lots and lots of kitchens and is being stalked by a man in a chicken suit after the PM thought it best not to attend his job interview.

With the Tory campaign turning into a train crash, a new and very old tactic was dreamt up on the back of a discarded Farage fag packet. The strategy is extremely complex and too intricate for the plebs to understand but put simply it is based on promising lots of money and deploying pitchforks on immigrants. It seems interesting that all this suddenly found cash should now be promised just before an election when, after five years, it could have been used to, oh I don`t know, help a million people in hard working families currently reliant on food banks or send Cameron on a mercy mission to be carried shoulder high by the people of Benghazi. Erm…maybe not that last one; let`s bomb them instead. They way things are going; Lynton Crosby and Grant Shapps will be on the first prison ship bound for Botany Bay and given the Australian migration points system will probably end up sleeping with the fish once they reach the three mile limit.

If appearing in public with Boris Johnson is thought to be a good idea in boosting Cameron`s popularity, then wheeling out John Major to attack the SNP is proof of abject panic and utter desperation. Major, you may recall, is the last Conservative Prime Minister to win an actual majority way back in 1992 yet is still best remembered as the only carbon based life form that considered Edwina Currie alluring. You will probably need to order more mind bleach. Complaining of blackmail, Major forgets that his government was propped up by those charming Ulster Unionists and a 1922 committee with some unusual hobbies and ignores the fact that the last government was propped up by duplicitous Liberal Democrats who must surely rebrand themselves as the Crack Whore Party on May 8th.

After Major we got Blair and although that turned out to an unmitigated disaster, the Tories had William Hague, then Iain Duncan Smith and then Michael Howard as leaders. Howard has mercifully disappeared but the other two are still, technically, in government. It is probably best to allow Michael Howard to be best remembered for not answering Paxman on Newsnight but sneaking up behind Iain Duncan Smith and whispering the names of dead benefit claimants after being unjustly sanctioned would be both cruel and heartless and whispering the words “Dolphin Square” into Hague`s shell-like could induce cardiac arrest and would probably be considered as an act of terrorism. Where is Andy Coulson when you need him? Oh yeah…on remand.

Thirteen days could be a delightful Mediterranean cruise watching the corpses bobbing up and down in the briny, or the statutory residence period in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying tax, or the average wait in an A and E department or the time it takes for the bloody bank to answer the bloody phone.

Thirteen days is a long time in politics and even longer in Bedlam.

April 14, 2015

Buena Vista

Filed under: History,Music,Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
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Oye como va

Oye como va

Whilst we are being mesmerised by British politicians telling massive lies, something rather significant has taken place across the pond where a man once had a plan about a canal in Panama. Some bloke called Raul sat down for a chat with another bloke called Obama and after the brief mano y mano discussion actually shook hands. This might not seem important but if you were born in the 50s and remember childhood nightmares caused by the Bay of Pigs fiasco and the Cuban missile crisis, this rapprochement between the US and Cuba is nothing short of remarkable.

Cuba is more than crumbling buildings, ancient Chevrolets, cigars hand rolled on the thighs of young beauties and a tenacious clinging obsession with Marxism; it has the best rum and some of the best music ever created. Setting aside Guantanamo Bay, it looks like Fidel won the waiting game. It seems Cuba is no longer considered to be a rogue state cynically sponsoring and encouraging terrorism but has instead been transformed into a lucrative market. Perhaps the next POTUS, who might actually be a woman, will take a look at lifting the sanctions and embargos placed on Vietnam for having the downright cheek to defeat a global superpower in a war that ended 40 years ago. (more…)

February 21, 2015

Half term

Filed under: Faith,History,Society — theplastichippo @ 12:00 pm
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Castle Howard image via Mike Kiping

Castle Howard image via Mike Kiping

The prospect of yet another half term holiday has, until fairly recently, provoked little more than dreadful resignation. After years of forcing unwilling children into art galleries, museums, willow weaving workshops, face painting and truly awful organised “creative play experiences”, the endeavour to inform and equip young minds has always been an uphill struggle in a non-school setting.

Amazingly, even after inflicting the horrors of camping or enduring nights in freezing, derelict farm outbuildings described in the brochure as “luxurious holiday rental cottages”, the children do not seem to harbour any malignant hatred toward us. Even more astonishing is that after dragging them across barren fells in horizontal rain, so far at least, they have not attempted to kill me. Of late, though, things have changed; they have become older and frighteningly independent. (more…)

February 13, 2015


Filed under: History,Politics,Society,World — theplastichippo @ 3:05 am
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There are elements of Europe`s small but supremely powerful ruling elite that are of the opinion that by electing Syriza, the people of Greece have gone stark, raving bonkers. Universally described as “far-left” or “radical far-left”, the leader of Syriza has been given a new first name by almost all European media. Prior to being elected Prime Minister, Alexis Tsipras was known as “Alexis Tsipras” but now in the spotlight of media ubiquity he is known by his new, full name; “Ex-Communist Alexis Tsipras”.

The Greeks are obviously flirting with this crazy fad called Democracy that is certain to result in tears before bedtime. After all, it was the Greeks who cooked up all this nonsense about representing the will of the citizenry and the preposterous notion that the populous should have a say in how a nation is run. (more…)

February 10, 2015

Has Something Become Critical

Filed under: History,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 12:00 pm
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Perhaps the most surprising, shocking and outrageous reaction to the escalating HSBC scandal is the surprise, shock and outrage expressed by folk previously unaware that this kind of thing has been going on since the Book of Genesis instructed forced labour to give one fifth of the crop to the Pharaoh. Tax for the wealthy has always been optional; so stop bleating that it is unfair or immoral. The rich did not become rich by being fair or ethical.

The worship and preservation of money is as old as the hills and we mere mortals must pay the tithe in order to keep the machinery of society in good working order. Our wealthy Gods, however, must be allowed to generate wealth and if the machinery of society suffers some catastrophic breakdown, then it is the poor who will be required to pay for the repairs. The Gods are above any thoughts of fairness, morality, responsibility or resultant poverty. (more…)

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