The Plastic Hippo

October 28, 2016

Happy days are here again

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , ,


Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.

Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam. (more…)

October 26, 2016

Clearance Clarence

When the details of a secret that was never really a secret are revealed to an incredulous public, there are some punters with attention deficit who will be genuinely surprised and others, with something of an alternative agenda, who will feign shock and outrage to further their own political ambition. The two worst-kept Westminster secrets latterly revealed occurred on one mercifully slow news day. Firstly, Heathrow is to have a new runway and, secondly, the current Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has finally exposed himself as being a totally irredeemable half-wit. Who on Earth spotted that one coming? (more…)

October 24, 2016

A letter from the jungle

Just outside Dover - 24th October 2018

Just outside Dover – 24th October 2018

Dear Mum,

Just a quick note to let you and Dad know that I am fine and that you should not worry about what you saw on the news last night because I kept well away from the trouble and although a few bullets did come through my tent, they missed me. Sadly, the tent got destroyed when the eviction squads set fire to the camp this morning.

The soldiers came back a dawn and handed out leaflets giving us our instructions. We have to report to a shower block just outside the camp. After they have hosed us down we will be transferred by lorry to “re-settlement areas” where dental tests will be taken to find out which of us still support the European Union. Patriotic English citizens will be put to work building Britain`s infrastructure on a zero hour basis and Irish, Welsh and Scottish welfare tourists will be deported to the Isle of Man. Those still supporting the EU will be sent to “re-education centres” for lessons in patriotism, loyalty, gratitude and servitude. Don`t worry, that`s not going to happen to me. If only I hadn`t written that stupid blog criticising the government. (more…)

October 22, 2016


nooseAt first glance, the story of an obscure Tory councillor creating an online petition demanding that anyone who still supports membership of the European Union be charged with treason smacks of a crude attempt at humour and is obviously a very weak joke. A second glance would confirm the hoax as the petition is in the name of a councillor Christian Holliday who represents the Burpham ward in the delightful town of Guildford. If a councillor Cruella de Winterval representing nearby Effingham had demanded the re-introduction of thumbscrews and the rack into the criminal justice system, the joke would not have been more obvious. However, a third glance reveals the treason petition story to be true and a bizarre invention called Christian Holliday actually exists and wishes to “amend the Treason Felony Act to make supporting UK membership of the EU a crime.”

It seems that the petition has been taken down and a Guildford councillor has been suspended by the local Tory party. No doubt the councillor will complain of censorship, an attack on free speech and a liberal elite conspiring to bring about the end of democracy but will then slide deservedly back into obscurity where he will not cause too much damage. That a councillor, let alone a Tory councillor, should prove to be a complete and utter idiot is not unexpected news but, as a symptom of the collective emotional breakdown currently debilitating the nation, the thought that this kind of nonsense could ever be considered as even remotely appropriate is much more troublesome. (more…)

October 20, 2016

Warp and weft

Self harm

Self harm

In those far-off heady days during the European referendum campaign, some of us hoped that the deranged musings of idiots, borderline fascists, actual racists, scaremongers and various prophets of doom would end once the British people had made their historic decision. The preposterous and obviously false claims and counter-claims from both sides cheapened the debate to the state of pointless and partisan bickering and made for a contest between an unbelievably duplicitous Remain campaign and an unbelievably duplicitous Leave campaign. Sadly, the return to common sense and the status quo of generally harmless whopping great lies has, to evoke the civil rights credentials of Prime Minister Theresa May, been a long time coming. Instead, the ravings of some very strange people which were once instantly dismissed as just a part of the comedic warp and weft of society are now being accepted as potentially valid, possibly true and even something less than a complete insult to basic humanity. (more…)

Next Page »

Blog at