It seems that February will offer no respite from the relentless onslaught of public loss and collective grief that January inflicted upon a heartbroken society. With the murder of a mother and her two children described by West Yorkshire Police as “a domestic incident” and another mother imprisoned for committing “an act of terrorism” by travelling to Syria to escape domestic violence, the nation must once again be brave in the face of the terrible realisation that after years of unfounded speculation, Lord Lucan is now officially, irrefutably and most definitely dead.
Apparently the son of the murderous peer wishes to inherit the family title and some bizarrely sensationalist press accounts suggest that the former “lucky” Lucan was eaten by a tiger. The fact that a woman was bludgeoned to death cannot be allowed to distract from irresistible speculation regarding the British aristocracy and their dysfunctional lifestyles. If the official passing of legendary icon and national treasure Lucan is difficult to endure, then the tragic loss of any credibility remotely attributable to the current British government in terms of strategic negotiation will propel the fragile populous into despair. Legendary icon, national treasure and minor aristocrat David Cameron will be remembered forever as a man who never once played bass in Motorhead. (more…)
After a busy January, show business editors, arts correspondents and the poor souls buried in film archives will be looking through their fingers at an approaching February and the next tranche of celebrity demise. Even the most imaginative authors of obituaries must be struggling to construct an original sentence containing mandatory terms of deferential respect such as icon, legend, national treasure, hugely influential and never to be forgotten. There are times when “person of advancing years with a health condition dies after an illness” simply will not do.
In this information technology age, smart eulogists could simply set up a template, load in a bunch of algorithms and the piece will compose itself well before the print deadline or broadcast. Age (veteran, popular, up and coming), occupation (actor, musician, entertainer, politician,); cause of death (drugs, drink, terminal medical condition, the discharging of a firearm) and a few vintage photographic images guarantees immortality for the sadly deceased and a job well done by the busy hack. (more…)
Ducks are deceptive calculating creatures that must not under any circumstances be trusted. Cleverly pretending to be harmless dabbling surface grazers or amusing up-ended bottom feeders, these vicious Anatidae can turn nasty in an instant and lay waste to an entire English village pond.
The accuracy of taxonomy proves beyond any shadow of doubt that ducks are cunning masters of disguise. In order to cause maximum disruption, they take on the appearance of geese to frighten children and even impersonate English swans in the hope of poisoning Her Majesty the Queen at a private banquet. Fortunately, experts with years of dedicated training and vigilance can identify this extremist threat due to ducks being marginally smaller than real English swans and by displaying a completely different coloured plumage. (more…)
The chill winds blowing around the picturesque streets of Davos during this last week can be considered as a balmy zephyr compared to the El Nino event likely to thunder along Threadneedle Street and possibly remove the unfixed roof of number 11 Downing Street. Slowly but surely, the almighty con trick of austerity is beginning to unravel.
At 1,560m, Davos is officially the highest town in Europe and the good burghers of Graubünden canton must have been delighted to discover that the town was even higher following the arrival of George Osborne for the World Economic Forum. (more…)
When a government resorts to summary execution, extrajudicial assassination and cold blooded murder then that government is clearly failing and represents a rogue and pariah state. Few would disagree with the UK Home Secretary when she unequivocally states that the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko is a “blatant and unacceptable breach of the most fundamental tenets of international law and civilised behaviour.” Thank goodness we have Trident to deter such state sponsored acts of nuclear terrorism and we can sleep soundly in the knowledge that the teapots of Mayfair are now free of Polonium thanks to the courageous defence policy of our courageous government. (more…)