What`s in a name?

Moses parts the waters via Reuters

We have reached the stage in the great scheme of things when anything unpleasant is deniable and anything requiring responsibility can be dismissed as the fault of others or due to circumstances beyond the control of those in control.

So when Chelsea player Victor Moses took a dive worthy of Tom Daley but completely unworthy of an FA Cup Final, referee Anthony Taylor was blameless in brandishing a second yellow card for such blatant cheating. Similarly, given the new offside ruling on players interfering with play, the referee was correct to allow Arsenal`s first goal from Alexis Sanchez even though Aaron Ramsey juggled the ball like a pub team goalkeeper in a howling gale before proving that he was not interfering with play by whispering that fact into the Chelsea goalkeeper`s ear. In a blame game, everyone is innocent.

When the computer system handling the bookings for the world`s favourite airline decides to go pop and emit a little cloud of blue smoke, it is reasonable in these days of machine error to allow the CEO to say nothing for three days and then emerge to state categorically that the IT glitch was over after a few minutes and that the living dead wandering the cavernous purgatory of Heathrow Terminal 5 would be compensated with a free bottle of water.

Un petit d`un petit

Humpty

The debt of gratitude owed by the entire nation to the current Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson is as incalculable as it is profound. His unique blend of avuncular eccentricity, knockabout buffoonery, deep intellectualism and an uncanny grasp of populist opportunism mark him as not just an accomplished statesman but also as a national treasure. From flattening Chinese children in a game of touch rugby during a good will visit to Hong Kong to dangling on a motionless zip wire Boris, as he likes to be known, is quite willing to make a fool of himself in the national interest or, more accurately, in the interest of Boris Johnson. As London Mayor, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson cemented his reputation as a man of the people by closing down London Fire Stations and buying some second hand water canon presumably to assist unwashed Londoners with personal hygiene issues. As a journalist, he has been found to be with unfortunate regularity something of a fantasist when in come to accuracy, honesty and anything remotely resembling the truth.

Go compare

Hello…goodbye

Unless you are considering a purchase of, say, car insurance, an aubergine, a refrigerator, a holiday or a selection of racy under garments, arbitrary comparison can sometimes be futile. Obviously a soft aubergine should be avoided as should a refrigerator that keeps things warm and a vacation to the Sahara should not be taken if one is heat averse. Similarly, in a northern European maritime temperate climate, nothing beats a pair of Damart Long Johns when the central heating is on the blink.

Comparing inanimate objects might be of some value but comparing subjective taste and preference can be a futile exercise especially when asked to name a favourite. It might be possible to make a binary choice between Judi Dench and Meryl Streep, the Beatles or the Stones, Oasis or Blur or (for younger viewers) Ed Sheeran or Jack Garratt but to prefer one to the other imposes an artificial hierarchy. Shakespeare is not necessarily “better” than Christopher Marlowe; Rod Hull and Emu are not necessarily funnier than Bernie Clifton and his comedy ostrich and Lobster Thermidor served with a chilled 2005 Coche-DuryCorton-Charlemagne Grande Cru does not necessarily taste nicer than egg and chips accompanied by a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.

Pride, prejudice and more prejudice

Philip Hammond

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an MP in possession of a cabinet portfolio, must be in want of the ability to say anything even remotely resembling the truth.

As a first foray into the world of economics, Philip Hammond`s autumn statement did not disappoint connoisseurs of massive fibs. Sadly lacking the charisma and idiocy of his predecessor, the new chancellor even attempted to tell jokes in between the lies. He started by describing a robust, resilient and secure economy based on a wise conservative fiscal strategy. It is not quite clear if he stated this as a joke or a lie but he went on to say that the promise to reduce the deficit has been abandoned and the government will be borrowing another £122 billion.

In Flanders Fields

On another Armistice Day and with another sorry line of politicians trying desperately to look earnest as they lay poppy wreaths at the cenotaph, the passage of time means that there are no surviving veterans of the Great War and increasingly fewer survivors of the Second World War.

There was a time when our politicians understood the consequence of war as some of them experienced the brutality of conflict at first hand. Now dead; they have been replaced by politicians who are happy to engage in war from a distance and only if their own children are definitely not sent away to fight and die or fight and be maimed both physically and mentally. The closest these new Whitehall warriors come to the carnage is signing the contract that furnishes dictators with cluster bombs and the delivery platforms to blow away women and children. Look into their eyes as they remember the fallen and look into their morality as they place profits from the arms trade above human life.