Following an independent, wide-ranging, comprehensive, in-depth analytical study, it is clear that the transport infrastructure connecting the kitchen to the dinner table is outdated, inadequate and not fit for purpose. Consequently, the only solution is to replace the archaic transport system of walking across the floor with a new, high-speed rail link.
Excess capacity on the old system reached crisis point many years ago and the old-fashioned method of physically carrying plates of food to the table for waiting children is no longer sustainable going forward. Therefore, a programme of massive investment is required to deliver meals faster than before and so guarantee growth. The current household system, constructed in Victorian times, cannot cope and the previous owners of the house recognised that a high speed link between the central kitchen and the barren, sparsely populated regions beyond was vital in order to avoid starving to death. The initial cost of the project was estimated to be a mere £17billion and would result in food arriving at the table at least six and possibly up to seven seconds faster than previously imagined.
However, due to external factors like people pretending to use wheelchairs or feigning terminal cancer, the cost has risen slightly to £32billion, or possibly £42billion or maybe £70billion. Okay, £80billion tops and it`s still a bargain. So I have decided that it is in the best interests of the house to build the first railway since a bemused six-month-old baby boy received a Hornby OO “Flying Scotsman” train set as his first Christmas present.
The stupid mistakes made during the first railway building era will not be repeated. Back then, industrial capitalists borrowed money to construct and operate a transport system designed to make enough profit to repay investors, expand the network and enjoy an awful lot of personal wealth. Thank goodness that bizarre naivety belongs in the past and that modern capitalism is forging ahead into the 21st century. Instead, the capital investment will come from making deductions from the children`s pocket money. Once the railway is built, private companies will be offered incentives to operate the thing and their profit will be generated by taking the remaining children`s pocket money for every meal so rapidly delivered to the table. Now that is what I call modern capitalism; no outlay, no risk, only profit. Who needs Isambard Kingdom Brunel when we have Sir Richard Branson?
The railway itself will be modelled on the hugely successful Japanese Sushi Bullet Train which conveys raw fish directly to the customer obviating the need to actually get up and walk to the buffet counter. To maintain the required high speed, the train will not stop at the cutlery draw or the cruet set and customers requiring these luxuries should walk to the kitchen to purchase them from the operator. Similarly, the line will run perfectly straight apart from a series of tight bends to avoid disturbing the place where I keep my whiskey and a hole will be tunnelled into the kitchen brickwork and through the bottom left corner of the Renoir on the other side of the wall. This design will ensure speed, increased capacity and astonishing levels of “economic activity” over the next 300 years. The kitchen being a building site for only 15 years is hardly any disruption at all.
Jenny Agutter, with or without red bloomers, will sadly not be invited round for tea.