The Plastic Hippo

January 8, 2014

The barber of Savile Row

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 1:30 am
Tags:
Hair brushed into history

Hair brushed into history

A gentleman`s hair salon in Mayfair:
Late Friday afternoon.

Barber;
“Good afternoon sir. Please take this chair. The usual?”

Customer;
“Yes, the usual, thank you.”

Barber;
“Short selling, back handers and side shows it is then sir. Going anywhere special this evening sir?”

Customer;
“No not really. Just to the Mansion House for an eight course banquet to thank some foreign chaps for buying some armaments.”

Snip…snip…snip.

Barber;
“Have you been anywhere nice for your holidays sir?”

Customer;
“No, I went to South Africa because some old bloke died. That used to be a great place but now you just can`t get any decent servants.”

Barber;
“Going anywhere nice in the summer sir?”

Customer;
“As a matter of fact we are. We are taking a chateau in a lovely little place called Passchendaele in Belgium. We are going to commemorate the English victory at Agincourt. I understand that the poppy fields are simply gorgeous.”

Barber;
“Si, lo so, E bellissimo.”

Cut…cut…cut.

Customer;
“Do you know, Raffaele Claudio…”

Barber;
“Please sir, call me Lino.”

Customer;
“Do you know, Lino; I was saying to Sajid just the other day that we really need to do something about poor people coming to this country. I`ve told him to abolish the Environment Agency and use the money to install razor wire on Britain`s coastal defences.”

Barber;
“A good idea sir. Mr Javid is a clever man and knows how bad poor people are. I polished his head only last week.”

Snip…snip…snip.

Customer;
“By the way, you did a marvellous job on Gideon`s new hair cut. He looks slightly less simple if that`s possible.”

Barber;
“Grazie, me old China”.

Cut…cut…cut.

Barber;
“There, almost done. Usual parting sir? Divide and rule?”

Customer;
“That would be splendid.”

Barber;
“And will sir be requiring something for the weekend?”

Customer;
“Er… best not. I`m not supposed to see her until I`ve instructed the trial judge to tell the jury to return a verdict of not guilty.”

Barber;
“Que sera; that will be £90, sir.”

Customer;
“Ah… I seem to have left my wallet in one of my other mansions. I don`t suppose a heavily subsidised government mortgage would cover it, would it? You might want to pass it on to a friend? Maybe an estate agent or hedge fund manager or a private landlord? A property developer perhaps?”

Barber;
“Sorry mate, you know my rules. Cash in hand, no need to bother Her Majesties Revenue and Customs or do you want to sleep with the fishes?”

Customer;
“Er…no. Tell you what, how about an MBE, no questions asked and loads of prime time publicity?”

Barber;
“Grazie guv, you`re a real toff and no mistake lawks a-mercy.”

Customer;
“Ha ha…thank you…goodbye.”

Barber;
“Ciao, see you next week Prime Minister.”

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